Fat

As a girl who grew up in the 90s and 2000s, self esteem has always been a struggle especially when it comes to my physical appearance. In my 20s, I had a mini rebirth, fixed my outlook and started to love me for me, all that positive, self appreciation ish. I came into my own. Fast forward to that global pandemic we all love to hate. My mental health tanked, my self discipline became nonexistent and I ATE EVERYTHING.

High cholesterol, fibroids and a belly so big I can’t see my own vagine anymore, I am right back to the start, that girl struggling with self esteem and her physical appearance. I did not see this coming. I know they say life is just cycles, history repeats itself blah blah blah. But me, feeling like my teenage self at 32 years was not in the books. It now takes me an average of 2 hours to get to the shower and figure out something to wear that will be comfortable, look good, and hopefully make me feel better about this new body I’ve grown into. (I’ve never not been able to see my down there before, this is some scary shit!)

And for the people like me, reading this and thinking, well just fucking stop eating everything and exercise, yes, I agree! 100%. How though? I enjoy walking, so I thought I’d try walking my dog more often. Happens once every other week if I’m lucky. Free yoga on YouTube? Once! I started going to the market and only cooking local healthy foods. Fizzled out after 3 weeks. I’ve written all about my struggles with consistency before but I’m learning now that my bigger issue is that I no longer enjoy my own company. I’m relying (heavily) on others to do all of these things. I have run out of the energy or desire to continue being my own cheerleader. It feels like I’ve used up everything to get at this point in life and now I’m ready to hand the baton over to someone else. I am tired of doing it alone. But here I am, fat and very much alone. How did my life become this?

And this is not meant to be a fat-phobic post, this is a why am I Failing All Things post. This is personal. I am uncomfortable. I do not like this version of myself and I guess I’m writing it down to put words to the thoughts and feelings to help move beyond them and put action and energy towards what’s next. Right? Right?

Published by ayrïd

Graphic Designer. Foodie. Drinker. Liver?

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