Tuesday 22 December, 2020, 9:49am
I feel a tingling vibration radiating through my body as I sit here cloaked in my boyfriend’s hoodie, a leopard print tights inherited (*stolen) from my aunt, staring out at mist, trees and what small bit of the Caribbean Sea I can see through the foliage and clouds. (checks Google maps to confirm that’s the correct sea). So this tingling…what is it? Anxiety? Guilt? Exhaustion? Confusion? Stimulation? All of these things? Context: I planned on wrapping up work for the year on Friday gone. I did not in fact finish everything on my to do list and planned a 4-day staycation at La Vapeur Estate in Paramin to reset, rest, take stock and recharge for the rest of 2020 and more importantly, everything that’s coming in 2021. So here I am in this wonderful wooden cabin, surrounded by nature, vibrating, not from the frigid temperatures, but my mind. All the thoughts consuming me, all the things I forgot, or didn’t do, unfulfilled promises, unfinished business. And the sun peeps through. A sip of my coffee and I feel better, but the thoughts push through, preventing me from fully being able to enjoy this. And as I sit in this discomfort, I try to think of what it can teach me, what can I learn from this so next year, I don’t return to this metaphorical place (because this physical location is breathtaking and I must return). Be more realistic, don’t say yes when you want to say no? That’s not it. I thought that was the lesson before but I did that, and yet still, here I am…What happened to my word? What happened to commitment and responsibility and the honour in all of that? I feel like I’ve been corrupted by the complacency of my surroundings and allowed myself to settle. Be less than I am capable. I stopped caring. Is this a side effect of not travelling for the year? Is this me becoming more “Trini”? I’ve always held myself at a higher standard and I feel like I’m slowly slipping away into mediocrity, knowing that my bare minimum is still way better than the norm, why bother to make an effort? Where is my competition? Where is my inspiration? Why bother? There’s an internal drive that’s missing, that’s slowly slipped away and I’d love to get it back. I used to always be 30 minutes to 15 minutes early, now I’m always running 5 to 30 minutes late, and I don’t care anymore. Something switched and it might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but a part of who I am is missing and I want it back.
Wednesday 23 December, 2020, 6:12pm
Blue turns to grey, the sun sets and the sky changes hue. The lack of natural light forced me to close A Promised Land and contemplate dinner, or work, or both. What now? Tomorrow, I check out at noon, and make my descent back into the madness that is Christmas Eve in Trinidad…the last minuteness of it all. Realising that these 4 days away were really just 48 hours (plus) but feeling ever so grateful for them nonetheless. I missed solitude. At home I have neighbours and friends and dogs and the “other” to consider. Here, just for a moment, I was alone and happy. Here, it also finally registered in my brain that I am no longer single, I am in a relationship, that life did change in 2020, and I got a thing I wanted, and I have something (someone) to be grateful for, as superficial as it may seem. Life seems so different through this lense. Possibilities and hopes grow each day and the future is exciting. I keep thinking about the descension into metaphorical and maybe even literal madness and how I could capture this present moment, and make it last a bit longer: the stillness, the various sounds of nature, bugs, frogs, the dog barking in the distance, the winds rustling the leaves on the trees sounding like rain approaching, the waves crashing, the sea calling, the night loudly silent and chilled, my pores raised as I type, the glow of the screen reflected on my glasses, the wind growing into a roar, distant sounds of vehicles whether it’s cars or boats or planes, people moving about while I sit still.