As I sit here, after 11pm on a Tuesday night, just home from a day of meetings and therapy and work, I feel satisfied. I just glimpsed my vision board for 2019 and realised I’m well on my way to achieving 3 things on the list already. It’s January!
In therapy today, there were no problems for me to bitch about, there was nothing that was blocking me from doing what I needed to do. Don’t get me wrong, my life is not perfect, and there’s a lot more I want out of it, but there are no fires, no dramatic things, no depression, I’m simply living, as opposed to surviving, and I am taking my time, each day, celebrating (or trying to celebrate) small (and big) wins and dealing with the bad as they come, when they come. Because they come.
I usually know the exact dates of these sort of things, *goes to check calendar*…Almost a year ago (even though it feels much longer than that)…wait, no since mid 2017 I’ve been going to therapy. When I started, I was in a depressive state weekly. I was in a very bad space mentally. Let me repeat that, because people say it so often nowadays that we get desensitized and are like, whatever: I was in a very bad space mentally. A visit from my god-mother and multiple conversations over dim sum and tea plates and dessert and margaritas (yes, all in the same day, no, not at the same place lol) ended up being the inspiration I needed to seek some sort of help other than “think the bad away” and “go out more”, which were not working. And it feels really good to think back and take note of how far I’ve come. To acknowledge this moment, for what it is, fully enjoy it and appreciate self-growth. Realising that the thing you thought impossible quite possible makes you question what else you’ve been holding back from attempting to achieve?
A side effect of my mental state is forgetfulness, and I really did not want this moment, this feeling to pass without giving it the energy and attention it needs and deserves. So here’s to therapy, to working on yourself, to acknowledging your truths and the lies you tell yourself, and to arriving at a place of satisfaction (even if it’s just for a moment).
In the words of Snoop:
I want to thank me for believing in me. I want to thank me for doing all this hard work…
In the past, I was not a fan of celebrating moments. I thought that because they were temporary, there’s no permanent change and therefore, nothing to make a big fuss about, only to return to your previous state of being. Now I understand and appreciate that those moments are all life really is about. Those moments create memories, that create habits, that create change. It’s not meant to be a drastic, instant transformation. That corny quote about life and the journey and the destination ish makes more sense and feels less corny now, kinda.
I am ready for more.